Mother's Day

Last night my twins graduated from Kindergarten.

It was cute. It was corny. It was silly. It was drawn out. It was full of too many props. It was entertaining. It was boring. It was crowded.

I loved it.

I loved standing there, trying and failing to get a good shot of my boys distractedly or enthusiastically singing. I loved having the thought, "Those are my boys. They're growing up so fast, but they're still so young and sweet and awesome. And mine." I loved letting the ensuing feeling of gratitude sink in. Gratitude for who they are. Gratitude for what they're capable of. Gratitude for the health and protection they've been blessed with to make sure they've lived this long;) Gratitude for the hilarity that follows them constantly. Gratitude for the new ways they've opened up the world to me with their people-loving personalities.

But mostly it was gratitude for the privilege it is to be their mother. I am so lucky to be Al's mom. I am so lucky to be Goose's mom. It's a tough, draining, inspiring, entertaining, joyful, intense struggle to be their mom. But what a privilege it is. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a mother to these boys. To all my boys.

This Mother's Day time of the year, a bit more than the rest of the year ('cause let's be honest- I feel this way often), has a knack for dredging up all the ways I feel I fail as a mom. It's tough feeling like I can be this ideal in my head, but continually falling short. I sometimes feel like I should just let go of that ideal and be more "realistic." But that would only help me feel good in the meantime while keeping me from progressing and cheating my kids out of the better mom I can be. I refuse to give up on that ideal. And so the guilt continues:) But this year, I feel more hope than failure. I have a good chunk of years to look back on and see progress. I'm definitely a better mother now than I was nine years ago. Give me nine more and I might be pretty good!

Just in time for most of them to be on their way out of our nest...

For now I will concentrate on the things to love right now. Like the way Trooper says, "ooWooooow!" with enthusiasm instead of just a plain "wow." And the way Al and Goose play off each other and talk over each other when they're pretending. Their voices get steadily louder and louder until they're shouting about all the fun they're creating. It's annoying, but hilarious when I step back. And the conflict I see in Jonz when he's caught between wanting to grow up and enjoying the "little kid stuff" with his brothers.

Being a mom to these boys is wonderful and meaningful and amazing.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Again we meet

Every time I put Trooper down for a nap, I get insanely jealous. I want to take a nap, too!!!

I'm sick this week, too, so I want even more to take naps. Sometimes, the one year olds have all the luck.

And right now I have writer's block. So this week you get a list. Which, while possibly very boring to read, is at least much better than last week's nothing!

I am thankful for-

the smell of fresh cut wood as I walk through the skeleton of my future house
soda
kleenex
a van that gets us where we need to go
a warm house
wild, monkey boys
baby sign language
prayer
scriptures
General Conference (it's coming sooooon!!!)
music
the Internet (well, most of the time. Sometimes I hate it and wish it would die)
deep fryers
diffusing essential oils
bikes (and the joy of seeing my twins riding like old pros)
pianos

What are you thankful for today?

"I like ten dollars."

I'm fairly worn out.  So I apologize if this post is anything less than coherent...

This morning the twins and I were laying on the floor by Trooper taking silly videos with my phone.  After I played them all back for them, Goose asked if he could play games on my phone.  I told him the battery was low and I needed to charge it.  He looked sideways at me from where he was laying next to my head and after a slight pause he said, "Mom, I think you need to charge YOUR battery."

Quite right, pal!

I'm so thankful I get to hang out with these awesome guys all day and for how often they make me laugh with their unintended wit and hilarity.

What are you thankful for today?

Thankful Thursday

Ah, it's Thursday again.

Considering how Monday through Wednesday went around here, I'm shocked that Thursday even came about. It's been quite a looooooong week.

This Thursday I am thankful that my boys are all in bed and asleep before ten pm. Yes, it's been a very long week.

We moved the twins out of cribs almost two weeks ago. We have turned Jonz' room into "the boys' room."

They haven't tried to escape the room as much as I thought they would, but they also haven't slept as much as I thought they would.

They're averaging about nine hours of sleep per 24 hour period, where they used to be sleeping about 13 or 14 hours. The result is extremely whiny and sad twins and a cranky five year old who is being woken up before he's ready.

I feel like I am on edge all the time. It's insane. I can't count how many hours I've laid on the floor in that room stroking backs or eyebrows, reminding them to close their eyes, telling them to lay down, etc. They are SO tired all the time now, but they won't sleep when given the opportunity.

What gives?? What is it about bars on a crib that make a child sleep better? I thought at first maybe they just slept out of boredom when they'd wake up super early in the morning. But such is not the case. I make sure they're bored to death when I go in there to try to get them to sleep and yet they lie there, yawning and rubbing their eyes, determined to stay awake.

Goose has a small excuse in that he burned one of the fingers he sucks last Saturday and has been unable to sooth himself to sleep as he normally would. But after five days shouldn't the body be figuring out a new system??? And his twin, who can still suck his beloved fingers, is only sleeping ever so slightly more than Goose.

I am at a loss. Huge loss. Of logic and patience.

But. There have been nights when they're just so exhausted that they crash after only five reprimands to get back in bed instead of thirty. And tonight is one of those nights. It's bliss after the crazy day.

PLUS, Bret put the kids to bed while I was out at a meeting! Double bliss!

But I won't lie and say that I wasn't worried they'd still be fighting sleep when I arrived home. They were both zonked by the time I walked through the door. Triple bliss!

Poor little Jonzy was still awake though. He's a night owl. We make him go to bed at a decent hour, but he regularly lies awake in the dark just thinking since that's all he can do. What an obedient kid to stay in bed:) I hoping though, that with his brothers waking him up before he's used to that he'll start to fall asleep earlier at night.

Why can't sleep be simple? It seems like it should be.

But yes, long-winded story short: I am so thankful there are at least some times that the boys go to bed easily. It recharges my sanity batteries:)

What are you thankful for?

Thankful Thursday

Today I am mighty thankful that Al and Goose are still good nap takers (knock on wood!). I got a small taste today of what it might be like when they give up naps and I'm beat! As it is, we only delayed nap time by two hours and they're conked out now. I'm so glad I don't have to face the end of naps yet.

AND, today I am thankful that we were finally able to close on our house!...sort of. The papers are all signed, but we don't get access to the house until Tuesday afternoon or evening. But we're that much closer!!

What are you thankful for today? Or tomorrow? Or ever?:)

When will I learn not to expect things?

I have twins.

They are 21 months old.

They are adorable, and as such (especially as their lucky mother) I adore them.

But having twins, these twins, is nothing like I expected it to be.

I was surprised beyond all surprise when I found out I was carrying two babies instead of the expected one. But once I got over the surprise, I started to create some expectations in my mind.

I expected it to be hard. That came true, and then some...and then some more:)

I expected that it would be totally cute to dress them in coordinating clothes. That came true, too.

I expected them to love each other, to be each others' best friend. To not have separation anxiety because they'd have each other. False, false, false.

My sons are great pretenders. And when it comes to pretending, my youngest boys have it down to an art. They spend 75% of their time pretending that the other doesn't exist. Then 24% of their time is spent screaming and screeching at "that guy who looks like me and has a hold of my toy." A mere 1% of time is spent acknowledging the others' presence, with a sliver of that percentage accounting for the rare giggle they allow to escape when one of them does something the other finds entertaining.

I know they have it in them to love their brother. They are often cracking up at Jonzy's antics and will even let him hold their arm and lead them somewhere...sometimes.

But if I try and put Al and Goose in the same chair they start clawing at each other. Why, oh why don't they like each other? Did they have some sort of tense relationship before they came here and God said, "You guys need to work on that, so I'm going to send you together." ??? It's been this way since infancy. I thought they'd outgrow the propensity to look at everything but their twin. Nope. I still hold out hope that they'll find some sort of affection for each other as they get older. But is that going to just make it harder if/when they don't???

Anyone with twins or siblings who didn't pay any positive attention to each other out there? Did they grow out of it?

How poetic

Way back when, I came across a poem about being a mother of twins. It was nice, but a little too (for lack of a better word) sappy for my taste. Don't get me wrong, I love sappy things; but this poem was trying just a little too hard to make you say, "awwwwww." Though it's been known to happen, I'm rarely in the mood to be coerced into saying, "awwwwww." I'd much rather come to that conclusion all by my onesies. And yet, I really liked it. Mostly because it contained the sentence, "Why was I chosen to be a mother of twins?" This is a question that I am often asking God. I don't question nearly as much as I used to. But I tell you what, those first few weeks in newborn twindom had me constantly asking God different versions of this question.
"Why did you send them to me? I can't do this!"
"Do you really honestly truly think I'm capable of doing this?"
"Are you sure you didn't confuse me with some other woman?"
Honestly, in the beginning I was having a constant conversation with Him in my head. Fairly one-sided, but still...it's a good thing He's patient with me:)

Anyway, in a strange state I read that poem again and decided to build on it. I tweaked the first half, and threw out the second part which was replaced by my own creation. The original was by the infamous "Unknown" so I suppose this new collection of words can be credited to me and Unknown.

I am by no means a poet. And though it's slightly embarrassing to post a poem that highlights my ineptitude at poetry, I'm doing it anyway. So with out further ado, here it is:

There's two to wash, there's two to dry.

There's two who argue, there's two who cry.

One's in the mud having a ball.

The other holds a crayon, another marked wall.

Some days seem endless, my patience grows thin.

Why was I chosen to be a mother of twins?!

It's hard not to question, when the going gets tough.

It helps that God thinks I've got the stuff.

If He says I can do this, I suppose that I can.
With His help, I can raise great men.

And here's a scripture I love, to add to the message:

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.

Alma 26:12

P.S. I don't consider myself to be any different from your run-of-the-mill mom. I know that it's a challenge to raise children, whether they come more than one at a time or not. So, even if you moms reading this don't have twins, consider this an ode to you and a reminder that we're not in this alone.

P.P.S. As for myself, I haven't had much experience with twins getting into trouble yet. The majority of my experience with the first part of this poem comes from my oldest, who may as well be triplets.

You learn something new everyday

I have three children. Count ‘em: one, two, three. All boys. That should make me some kind of motherhood pro, right? Or maybe a mothering boys pro since I don’t know what it’s like to have a daughter. My oldest is only three so I don’t have too much experience under my belt. But still, it seems that having three young children would make me the kind of mom who spews fantastic pieces of wisdom to any other mothers with little ones who have questions. I should be a pro, but I’m not. In my defense, the last two boys did come at the same time. So instead of going through the stages three separate times, garnishing all sorts of ideas from successes and failures we had, I’m doing two at a time and often forgetting what works for which boy. That said, I am not a pro and am finding that I’ve got a long way to go.

Both of the times we welcomed babies into our family, I was thrown for a loop. Twins really smacked me in the face. I blame the majority of how hard the smack was on hormones, but the rest is credited to the fact that new babies are just plain hard to care for.

Before J was born, I had it all planned out. I was going to fit a baby into my life and go on with business as usual except I would have a cute and constant companion. J humbled me to the dust. I started to feel like I had a handle on life again and I went back to school. Again, I had it all planned out. And once again: humbled to the dust. After a many months together, life with a child became normal to me as I stopped recalling what days were like pre-J. We were jivin’ well together:).

When A and W came- crash! bang! kapowee! I try not to remember why exactly those days were so hard. When I start to think about the first weeks and months it’s a blur of tears and “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Then I stop thinking about that and try to remember the fun times instead. We started to settle into a feeling of normal around the time A and W were three months old. But a small part of me was still trying to grasp for some sense of normal; I couldn't seem to make that last step out of survival mode.

Thankfully for me, there are other moms out there who seem like they have the pro thing down. Two years ago I was blessed to have a friend put in my life that has shared her wisdom with me and really helped me correct my perspective on a number of occasions. She had her fourth baby about four or five months after my boys were born. When I first visited her family about a week after the birth, I was surprised at how mellow she seemed. Everything was running so smoothly in their home. She only looked slightly tired. So I asked, “Wow, have you gotten back to normal?” She replied, “We’re still trying to find our new normal.”

It was as if all the lights went on in my head and heavenly choirs sang “Hallelujah!” NEW normal! This was what I needed. It’s amazing what this little phrase did to help me accept how life was going to be. Of course I couldn't get back to “normal;” I had two new people in my life that necessitated a new way of going about business. It still took a few more months to feel like we had achieved our new normal, but the process of getting there was much less frustrating. And I think it came a lot faster than it would have without the realization that we needed to find a new normal way of life. Understanding has a knack for driving out frustration and hastening the arrival of peace.

This post was inspired by MamaBlogga's August Group Writing Project.
To learn more and participate yourself, go here.

Originally written: August 19, 2008

Genetics 101

In an effort to spread understanding so that maybe complete strangers will stop asking me silly questions, I'd like to teach all y'all just a few things about the genetics involved with twins.

Identical twins are the SAME gender. Boy/girl twins are fraternal (unless of course you want to get crazy technical and talk about near-identical twins, but that's for Genetics 201 and we don't want to get ahead of ourselves).

Identical twins come from one fertilized egg that split into two. Fraternal twins are two separate eggs fertilized by two separate sperm.Identical twins don't have to share a sac or placenta. It is possible for them to have their own if they split within the first three days of conception.

Fraternal twins tend to be caused by the mother's genetics, but can also be the result of fertility treatments or even a complete fluke. Identical twins are always a complete fluke.Twins "running" in the husband's family does not mean he and his wife are more likely to have twins. However, should such a couple have a daughter, she could be more likely to have twins.

It is possible to not know what type of twins one has. The only ways you can know for certain are to test their DNA (expensive!), the twins are a boy and a girl, or they shared a placenta and/or sac in utero.

I know I'm forgetting something, but it's late and I'm not thinking straight. If I remember more, I'll update this post. I realize that most of you already knew most or all of the above information. I also realize that most of you are probably not the type of people to ask silly genetics questions of complete strangers. But this is the only place I know where to start without having to make and print out pamphlets to hand out when someone asks me a question. So thanks for listening:)

Clarification: I don't mind being asked questions by complete strangers who are merely curious. I really don't have the time to stop and answer all of them, though. I'd much rather get my errands done and get home. Plus, if I start to answer questions they start to ask more and the questions get more and more personal. I'm not into letting a total stranger know the complete story of A and W or my medical history. We need our privacy just as much as the lady over there with three kids. I really don't mind being asked questions by family or friends; in fact, I welcome them. So I hope I didn't scare anybody off from asking me any questions related to twins or anything for that matter. If I know you, I'm more than happy to answer any questions. Bring 'em on.

Originally written: August 1, 2008

Am I trendy?

With all the celebrities having twins out there, I sometimes feel like I'm taking part in a trend...weird. I don’t like looking like I'm trying to be like celebrities...

Anyway, here are some answers I wish I could give to twins questions and comments that I don’t for fear of offending or looking stupid for not answering the way that’s expected. For the curious ones out there, I'll include the real answers to the questions in parentheses.

"Are they twins?"
Who? Oh! These babies? I don't know. I found this stroller in the parking lot and just wanted to try out the steering. Oh my, I didn't know there were babies in it until you pointed.
(yes)

"Do twins run in your family?"
Not yet, but if they're anything like their brother then they'll be running all over the place soon.(sort of...about three generations back and a couple branches to the left)

"Are they natural?"
No, they're a blend of special synthetic materials we bought on ebay.
(yes)

"How do you tell them apart?"
Well, they're really too young to understand what we're saying so we just have to move them away from each other when they get too close.
(we cut A’s hair shorter than we cut W’s.)

"Boy do you have your hands full!"
Better than empty!

"I'm so glad they're yours and not mine."
Yeah, that makes five of us.

"Are they all yours?"
Um…yeeeeah. Yeah, they're mine…right. Um, if you see a couple guys in uniform come in here could you just say that you didn't see me? They'll try to convince you that they're police officers looking for a kidnapper, but that's totally a lie. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
(yes)

"Wow, lucky you! Done in one go. Oh…you’ve got another one, too."
Yeah, we're going to try to repopulate Siberia. Did you know that thousands of years ago there used to be a huge, prosperous civilization there? I wonder what happened to them…Anyway, we want to claim it for our own, but first we need the manpower and what better way than homegrown, eh?
(We'll have as many children as is right for our family, thankyouverymuch)

Originally written: August 28, 2008