Series explanation
1. Repentance
2. Prayer
3. Service
It's been a while, hasn't it. I'm sorry I dropped this ball for a month. I got busy with the Family Celebration and lost momentum on this project. Let's build it back up, eh?:)
WORK.
I don't understand why we shun work so much. I mean, have you ever finished a task and thought, "Sure wish I'd stared at the wall instead of doing that!"????
Work is satisfying. And yet, I think it will always be a struggle for me to forgo extra sleep in the morning or reading a book in favor of working. Wish it wasn't, but it's probably better for me to have to struggle to overcome that tendency.
Back to the issue at hand.
I'm a simple person.
That's simple, not stupid.
I have trouble concentrating on more than one thing at a time. Yet, I can hold my own at multi-tasking because it's fairly easy to move from one thing to the next and back when concentration is an issue. The more simple my surroundings, the easier of a time I have with things. Working forces my mind to be simpler. I have to focus on the task at hand; which makes it much more difficult to delve into depressing patterns of thought. Brilliant solution:)
As President Benson aptly said, "Work is our blessing, not our doom."
Or as President Hinckley's father said, "Forget yourself and go to work."
It really works! ("a-ha, a-ha! Who's next?" Twenty thousand points if you guess the movie correctly.)
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
3. Service
What I'm doing
1. Repentance
2. Prayer
I love the third item that President Benson focuses on in this article. It's huge. Life changing even.
Perspective is huge when it comes to depression, but it requires something deeper than just knowing there are so many things great in life/others are suffering tremendously/a more eternal view, etc. Knowing and feeling are two very different things. And it seems it requires faith to get to work serving before those deep feelings of truth are realized and spirits are lifted; at least in my case.
Giving of oneself to service and sacrificing one's desires or needs for someone else's is a prime way to lift the spirit. Though it seems to be precisely opposite of what we hear from the world.
"Take care of you first or you won't have any to give anyone else."
"You have to put yourself at the top of your priority list."
"You can't draw water from an empty well."
Logically, that makes complete sense. If I don't take care of my needs or satisfy even small desires where would I find the strength to keep working?
But spiritually, it doesn't work that way. I do need to care for myself and make sure there's "water in the well" so I can be what my family needs me to be. But that's not supposed to be first on the priority list. We are happiest, we are most at peace, we are most fulfilled, we are most complete- when we forget about ourselves and serve others.
I've written about this phenomenon before. Concentrating on how it pertains to motherhood.
I'm going to be filled with more joy even if I haven't been able to shower yet, or eat breakfast yet, or get out to dinner with some girlfriends in months, or have had any time alone in two weeks because I am (trying to the best of my ability) focusing on something outside of myself.
Something bigger than I am.
Taking the focus off of ourselves is so freeing, so uplifting. It helps me feel that I am part of something beautiful. That I do have the capability to submit my will to my Father's. That I can be an instrument in his hands.
And a sweet perk: I end up being take care of any way! Whether by finding time to do something me oriented, or my husband doing something for me, or Heavenly Father sustaining me, etc. And never underestimate the power of an "I luhz oo" from a little mouth. A beautiful aspect of families. If we're all focused on serving each other, everyone gets taken care of! (more on that in a couple weeks:))
President Benson says it best: "A woman whose life is involved in the righteous rearing of her children has a better chance of keeping up her spirits than the woman whose total concern is centered in her own personal problems."
Has service helped lift you? Will you share with me?
1. Repentance
2. Prayer
I love the third item that President Benson focuses on in this article. It's huge. Life changing even.
"To lose yourself in righteous service to others can lift your sights and get your mind off personal problems, or at least put them in proper focus."
Perspective is huge when it comes to depression, but it requires something deeper than just knowing there are so many things great in life/others are suffering tremendously/a more eternal view, etc. Knowing and feeling are two very different things. And it seems it requires faith to get to work serving before those deep feelings of truth are realized and spirits are lifted; at least in my case.
Giving of oneself to service and sacrificing one's desires or needs for someone else's is a prime way to lift the spirit. Though it seems to be precisely opposite of what we hear from the world.
"Take care of you first or you won't have any to give anyone else."
"You have to put yourself at the top of your priority list."
"You can't draw water from an empty well."
Logically, that makes complete sense. If I don't take care of my needs or satisfy even small desires where would I find the strength to keep working?
But spiritually, it doesn't work that way. I do need to care for myself and make sure there's "water in the well" so I can be what my family needs me to be. But that's not supposed to be first on the priority list. We are happiest, we are most at peace, we are most fulfilled, we are most complete- when we forget about ourselves and serve others.
I've written about this phenomenon before. Concentrating on how it pertains to motherhood.
I'm going to be filled with more joy even if I haven't been able to shower yet, or eat breakfast yet, or get out to dinner with some girlfriends in months, or have had any time alone in two weeks because I am (trying to the best of my ability) focusing on something outside of myself.
Something bigger than I am.
Taking the focus off of ourselves is so freeing, so uplifting. It helps me feel that I am part of something beautiful. That I do have the capability to submit my will to my Father's. That I can be an instrument in his hands.
And a sweet perk: I end up being take care of any way! Whether by finding time to do something me oriented, or my husband doing something for me, or Heavenly Father sustaining me, etc. And never underestimate the power of an "I luhz oo" from a little mouth. A beautiful aspect of families. If we're all focused on serving each other, everyone gets taken care of! (more on that in a couple weeks:))
President Benson says it best: "A woman whose life is involved in the righteous rearing of her children has a better chance of keeping up her spirits than the woman whose total concern is centered in her own personal problems."
Has service helped lift you? Will you share with me?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
2. Prayer
Here we are with item #2 from Do Not Despair.
Catch up if you need to:
The beginning
1. Repentance
The second item President Benson discusses in his article is prayer. How fundamentally, monumentally, drastically vital it is in combating depression!
There's a hitch, though. Many people (me included) feel like their minds have been swapped for spaghetti when depression strikes.
I remember way back when I was pregnant with the twins and realizing how deep and dark of a pit I was in. As two year old Jonzy napped, I shut myself in my room with my scriptures; hoping to drive away the darkness with some spiritual light. Only I couldn't read. I'd stare at the same sentence and try and try and try to read it, but three or four words in my mind would jump to something else, then something else, then something else. I wish I could describe it better than that.
I sat on my bed and stared at my open scriptures, so insanely confused at why I could no longer read. So I decided to pray.
I lumbered the three of us off the bed and onto the floor. But I couldn't pray either! Every thought was suffocated in an Olympic sized pool of other random thoughts; none of them able to complete before being interrupted by another. I'd been struggling with jumbled prayers for a while, but it didn't hit me until right then that I'd lost my ability to pray.
Catch up if you need to:
The beginning
1. Repentance
The second item President Benson discusses in his article is prayer. How fundamentally, monumentally, drastically vital it is in combating depression!
There's a hitch, though. Many people (me included) feel like their minds have been swapped for spaghetti when depression strikes.
I remember way back when I was pregnant with the twins and realizing how deep and dark of a pit I was in. As two year old Jonzy napped, I shut myself in my room with my scriptures; hoping to drive away the darkness with some spiritual light. Only I couldn't read. I'd stare at the same sentence and try and try and try to read it, but three or four words in my mind would jump to something else, then something else, then something else. I wish I could describe it better than that.
I sat on my bed and stared at my open scriptures, so insanely confused at why I could no longer read. So I decided to pray.
I lumbered the three of us off the bed and onto the floor. But I couldn't pray either! Every thought was suffocated in an Olympic sized pool of other random thoughts; none of them able to complete before being interrupted by another. I'd been struggling with jumbled prayers for a while, but it didn't hit me until right then that I'd lost my ability to pray.
*I never thought to pray out loud. That probably would have really helped me at least complete a sentence, if not an entire prayer.*
I knelt there by my bed and tried to deal with the shock. Why, when I had this problem I knew could be helped, were two of the main sources of help blocked from me???? I argued with Heavenly Father for a long time about that one and honestly I still don't understand it. "That's not fair!" I told him. "I NEED those! Please please please give them back."
Fortunately, I found I could still pray if I kept my thoughts super short. So my prayers became a jumbled mess of random thoughts interspersed by as many, "please help me's" and help me's" as I could stick in there.
I found that the more often I prayed, the more breaks from the dark I got. I love what President Benson said: "...prayer—persistent prayer—can put us in touch with God, our greatest source of comfort and counsel."
Persistent prayer!
The more I filled my days with my simple plea of "help me, help me, help me..." the more I would get that answer he always gave me: "It'll be okay, Lindsey. Remember, I love you." And just knowing he loved me would give what I needed to go on.
After some years passed and I learned more about depression and my experience with it, I have been able to get into the scriptures more and prayer more deeply about it. It's been such a light.
The more I study the scriptures and pray for protection and help, acknowledging that this is a temptation for me and I really really need help, the better I feel.
I'd like to share two of the scriptures I found in my studies of prayer that have really helped me this last year.
Fortunately, I found I could still pray if I kept my thoughts super short. So my prayers became a jumbled mess of random thoughts interspersed by as many, "please help me's" and help me's" as I could stick in there.
I found that the more often I prayed, the more breaks from the dark I got. I love what President Benson said: "...prayer—persistent prayer—can put us in touch with God, our greatest source of comfort and counsel."
Persistent prayer!
The more I filled my days with my simple plea of "help me, help me, help me..." the more I would get that answer he always gave me: "It'll be okay, Lindsey. Remember, I love you." And just knowing he loved me would give what I needed to go on.
After some years passed and I learned more about depression and my experience with it, I have been able to get into the scriptures more and prayer more deeply about it. It's been such a light.
The more I study the scriptures and pray for protection and help, acknowledging that this is a temptation for me and I really really need help, the better I feel.
I'd like to share two of the scriptures I found in my studies of prayer that have really helped me this last year.
"Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be give unto you."
3 Nephi 18: 18-20, emphasis added
"Yea, and I also exhort you, my brethren, that ye be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects at the last day; for behold, he rewardeth you no good thing."
Alma 34:39, emphasis added
3 Nephi 18: 18-20, emphasis added
"Yea, and I also exhort you, my brethren, that ye be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects at the last day; for behold, he rewardeth you no good thing."
Alma 34:39, emphasis added
I love them both. The first gives me hope. The second warns and reminds me that following the temptations "rewardeth [me] no good thing."
That's all I have to say about that.
I hope these posts are inspiring, enlightening, encouraging, etc. If you have thoughts to share, feedback, or whatnot please do:)
That's all I have to say about that.
I hope these posts are inspiring, enlightening, encouraging, etc. If you have thoughts to share, feedback, or whatnot please do:)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
1. Repentance
I'm finally starting the in depth look at the Do Not Despair article! *yaaaaaaaaay!*
**Disclaimer: These posts are in no way claiming that my experiences are the only way these things happen, that my choices are the only correct ones to make, or that I think myself better than anyone who experienced otherwise or chose differently. These are my experiences (though not the complete story; I fully intend on going to my grave being the only one who knows the complete story. Unless of course sharing some things would help someone I know...so maybe a few more will know before I die.). These are my choices and decisions. This is my story and what is working for me. I do believe it could help others though, so I'm sharing and discussing. Please don't judge me harshly if you disagree with me. Many thanks:)**
President Benson wrote this article back in 1986. What he wrote was true then and even more so now. Particularly this:
"Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression."
Jerk.
But!!- "To help us from being overcome by the devil’s designs of despair, discouragement, depression, and despondency, the Lord has provided at least a dozen ways which, if followed, will lift our spirits and send us on our way rejoicing."
Whew.
Those of you who have been reading for a while know that I believe depression is rooted in temptation.
So let's get into the first thing Pres. Benson mentioned. Repentance.
***I started writing this three days ago and hit a road block (or better said, writer's block) right here when I was going to start writing about my own experience with this aspect on the road to rejoicing. My mind reverted back to a jumble of disconnected thoughts and I couldn't think of how best to write it out.
I've decided that my experiences with repentance and depression are just too close to the heart to share with the world at large (however small my readership may be).
So I'm going to continue to keep it close and just share some thoughts and scriptures with you on this subject.
First, I love how President Benson included a quote from Abraham Lincoln.
"When I do good I feel good, and when I do bad I feel bad."
Lincoln is often quoted on depression, and regularly in a tone that seems to say "it is how it is, so stop telling me to just be happy, punks." My opinion is that Lincoln had a much harder life than the majority of us, but he still managed to see that he was responsible for his emotions and he would employ whatever degree of power he had in improving them. What an example! I like that guy:)
And to conclude, here's a couple scriptures that have been especially insightful and poignant for me when studying about repentance:
**Disclaimer: These posts are in no way claiming that my experiences are the only way these things happen, that my choices are the only correct ones to make, or that I think myself better than anyone who experienced otherwise or chose differently. These are my experiences (though not the complete story; I fully intend on going to my grave being the only one who knows the complete story. Unless of course sharing some things would help someone I know...so maybe a few more will know before I die.). These are my choices and decisions. This is my story and what is working for me. I do believe it could help others though, so I'm sharing and discussing. Please don't judge me harshly if you disagree with me. Many thanks:)**
President Benson wrote this article back in 1986. What he wrote was true then and even more so now. Particularly this:
"Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression."
Jerk.
But!!- "To help us from being overcome by the devil’s designs of despair, discouragement, depression, and despondency, the Lord has provided at least a dozen ways which, if followed, will lift our spirits and send us on our way rejoicing."
Whew.
Those of you who have been reading for a while know that I believe depression is rooted in temptation.
So let's get into the first thing Pres. Benson mentioned. Repentance.
***I started writing this three days ago and hit a road block (or better said, writer's block) right here when I was going to start writing about my own experience with this aspect on the road to rejoicing. My mind reverted back to a jumble of disconnected thoughts and I couldn't think of how best to write it out.
I've decided that my experiences with repentance and depression are just too close to the heart to share with the world at large (however small my readership may be).
So I'm going to continue to keep it close and just share some thoughts and scriptures with you on this subject.
First, I love how President Benson included a quote from Abraham Lincoln.
"When I do good I feel good, and when I do bad I feel bad."
Lincoln is often quoted on depression, and regularly in a tone that seems to say "it is how it is, so stop telling me to just be happy, punks." My opinion is that Lincoln had a much harder life than the majority of us, but he still managed to see that he was responsible for his emotions and he would employ whatever degree of power he had in improving them. What an example! I like that guy:)
And to conclude, here's a couple scriptures that have been especially insightful and poignant for me when studying about repentance:
"Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ." Alma 37:33
"And after their temptations and much tribulation, behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them." Doctrine and Covenants 112:13
Thoughts?
P.S. The font was reverting to italics when I didn't want it to and nothing would fix it. So i got into the html code and after a few tweaks, I managed to fix it. I feel so smart!:)
P.S. The font was reverting to italics when I didn't want it to and nothing would fix it. So i got into the html code and after a few tweaks, I managed to fix it. I feel so smart!:)
Monday, August 15, 2011
A new project
I'm sure you've missed me...;)
I've been busy, busy, busy! (I know, I know; aren't we all?) I was busy with life, family, and getting ready for an out of state trip last week. Things I've wanted to blog about, and Thankful Thursday, got pushed to the bottom of the priority list.
There's two things I really want to blog about. But starting school this week and the craziness of life weighing me down, I'm reduced to mentioning them.
Last week my parents, my brothers, my sisters in law, Bret, and me were all in the temple together. My whole nuclear family. In the temple. Together. For the first time ever. But definitely not the last:) It was so amazing.
Best. Night. Ever.
The following Sunday, we all went to my parents' ward for church. As I sat in Relief Society (a rare occasion for a Nursery worker) with my mother and sisters in law, I was made aware of a spectacular article written by Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
It was quite the timely reminder for me as I'd "fallen off the wagon" and was finding it hard to scramble back on. Boy am I glad the God hasn't given up on me, even when I want to give up myself.
The article concisely summarizes what I've learned in the battle against depression over the last handful of years.
It gives twelve ways to "lift our spirits and send us on our way rejoicing."
I want to make it a focus on this blog for the next while. I plan on breaking it up and sharing my experiences with each way of lifting spirits and hope some of you might get in on the discussion and share your experiences with me.
Here's the original article I'll be focusing on if you want to read it ahead of time:
Do Not Despair by President Ezra T. Benson
I'm excited for this:)
I've been busy, busy, busy! (I know, I know; aren't we all?) I was busy with life, family, and getting ready for an out of state trip last week. Things I've wanted to blog about, and Thankful Thursday, got pushed to the bottom of the priority list.
There's two things I really want to blog about. But starting school this week and the craziness of life weighing me down, I'm reduced to mentioning them.
Last week my parents, my brothers, my sisters in law, Bret, and me were all in the temple together. My whole nuclear family. In the temple. Together. For the first time ever. But definitely not the last:) It was so amazing.
Best. Night. Ever.
The following Sunday, we all went to my parents' ward for church. As I sat in Relief Society (a rare occasion for a Nursery worker) with my mother and sisters in law, I was made aware of a spectacular article written by Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
It was quite the timely reminder for me as I'd "fallen off the wagon" and was finding it hard to scramble back on. Boy am I glad the God hasn't given up on me, even when I want to give up myself.
The article concisely summarizes what I've learned in the battle against depression over the last handful of years.
It gives twelve ways to "lift our spirits and send us on our way rejoicing."
I want to make it a focus on this blog for the next while. I plan on breaking it up and sharing my experiences with each way of lifting spirits and hope some of you might get in on the discussion and share your experiences with me.
Here's the original article I'll be focusing on if you want to read it ahead of time:
Do Not Despair by President Ezra T. Benson
I'm excited for this:)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thankful Thursday
Today I am rushed. There's just too much to do before the weekend hits.
But I am forcing myself to slow down and blog for Thankful Thursday.
I've been hovering on the edge of that tempting pit of depression for a few days. Tears always right behind my eyes, despairing thoughts waiting in the wings for me to come and meditate on, and oh-the-exhaustion-during-the-day-and-insomnia-at-night. Blah.
I feel like I'm standing on that edge and someone is shoving me from behind while my heels scramble and dig in to keep me from falling. It hasn't been too difficult to stay out this time (and luckily I recognized it before I was actually in it this time), but I've been surprised that the temptations are sticking around longer than they have for a number of months.
Because of all this and it being Thursday, I am super grateful today for the gospel of Jesus Christ. For my family. For my husband. For my sons. And for Boylan's Ginger Ale;), except I think I'd prefer a root beer or black cherry right now, but our stock in the fridge has run out.
What are you thankful for today??
But I am forcing myself to slow down and blog for Thankful Thursday.
I've been hovering on the edge of that tempting pit of depression for a few days. Tears always right behind my eyes, despairing thoughts waiting in the wings for me to come and meditate on, and oh-the-exhaustion-during-the-day-and-insomnia-at-night. Blah.
I feel like I'm standing on that edge and someone is shoving me from behind while my heels scramble and dig in to keep me from falling. It hasn't been too difficult to stay out this time (and luckily I recognized it before I was actually in it this time), but I've been surprised that the temptations are sticking around longer than they have for a number of months.
Because of all this and it being Thursday, I am super grateful today for the gospel of Jesus Christ. For my family. For my husband. For my sons. And for Boylan's Ginger Ale;), except I think I'd prefer a root beer or black cherry right now, but our stock in the fridge has run out.
What are you thankful for today??
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
You think you know a guy...
I was planning on culminating my posts on depression with a spiritually slammin' finish. I've decided that was a silly idea. Why go on and on and finish with the key? Why not acknowledge the key right from the off so it can be used throughout?
Well, I'm sorry I didn't do such acknowledging before. I hope I can make up for it now, but I think it's impossible to do this subject justice and I welcome any additions you have.
I'm here to tell you that without Jesus, I might as well be running myself into a brick wall over and over with my own efforts to conquer depression. This fight has taught me more about the Atonement and my Savior than anything else.
Yes, even more than motherhood.
I wondered for a long time why that was, still do in fact. Motherhood is the biggest challenge I've ever faced; one that doesn't end and I doubt I'll ever feel like a master of. I could not be the mother I am or accomplish an eighth of what I do without the support and strength and inspiration and tender mercies of Heavenly Father and Jesus.
I've felt the power of the Atonement often in my struggles with my role as a mother.
Why then has this depression junk struck more chords and helped me to understand the Atonement on a deeper spiritual plane than ever before?
Honestly...I don't know.
What I do know is that I comprehend in a whole new way that I am nothing without Christ.
That he is everything.
That he is the only way back to the Father.
That he gets me.
That he knows my mind better than I do.
That he's right there waiting to help me if only I ask (and often, even when I'm too prideful and I don't).
That he responds immediately when I ask.
That he perfectly understands my heartbreaks and joys.
And that he LOVES me!
From my earliest memories I have been taught about Jesus, what he did for me and you, how no one understands me better than him, and His life and ministry. I thought I understood. I thought I knew him. I thought we were pretty close.
But I know now that I barely know him at all. I have a feeling I've only begun to crack the shell to understanding Jesus Christ and the Atonement. Part of me is a bit terrified of that...(what else will I have to endure to find out more?) and part of me is yearning for more (Seriously? It gets even better?!?! I want that!).
So I suppose I am grateful for depression and how it made me see more clearly that there are things that can't possibly be overcome without Jesus. More things than not!
He is the way, the truth, and the light!
I've loved this scripture for at least a decade. It's come to mean even more to me in the past few years.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't do such acknowledging before. I hope I can make up for it now, but I think it's impossible to do this subject justice and I welcome any additions you have.
I'm here to tell you that without Jesus, I might as well be running myself into a brick wall over and over with my own efforts to conquer depression. This fight has taught me more about the Atonement and my Savior than anything else.
Yes, even more than motherhood.
I wondered for a long time why that was, still do in fact. Motherhood is the biggest challenge I've ever faced; one that doesn't end and I doubt I'll ever feel like a master of. I could not be the mother I am or accomplish an eighth of what I do without the support and strength and inspiration and tender mercies of Heavenly Father and Jesus.
I've felt the power of the Atonement often in my struggles with my role as a mother.
Why then has this depression junk struck more chords and helped me to understand the Atonement on a deeper spiritual plane than ever before?
Honestly...I don't know.
What I do know is that I comprehend in a whole new way that I am nothing without Christ.
That he is everything.
That he is the only way back to the Father.
That he gets me.
That he knows my mind better than I do.
That he's right there waiting to help me if only I ask (and often, even when I'm too prideful and I don't).
That he responds immediately when I ask.
That he perfectly understands my heartbreaks and joys.
And that he LOVES me!
From my earliest memories I have been taught about Jesus, what he did for me and you, how no one understands me better than him, and His life and ministry. I thought I understood. I thought I knew him. I thought we were pretty close.
But I know now that I barely know him at all. I have a feeling I've only begun to crack the shell to understanding Jesus Christ and the Atonement. Part of me is a bit terrified of that...(what else will I have to endure to find out more?) and part of me is yearning for more (Seriously? It gets even better?!?! I want that!).
So I suppose I am grateful for depression and how it made me see more clearly that there are things that can't possibly be overcome without Jesus. More things than not!
He is the way, the truth, and the light!
I've loved this scripture for at least a decade. It's come to mean even more to me in the past few years.
Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.
Alma 26:12
Alma 26:12
Please, add to this. What have you learned about Jesus through your struggles? Share scriptures, hymns, thoughts, ideas- anything! I want to know what you know, too!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Pills and bills. Pills and bills"
Two thousand points to the one who correctly names the movie the post title comes from...
I always get a sour taste in my mouth when I hear about depression medication. For a long time, I didn't know why. The fact that people take medicine for such things just rubbed me the wrong way. Disclaimer: That doesn't mean I harshly judged those who did take such things. It merely made me cringe a bit and that was the extent of it.
It wasn't until last year when I put a name to specific personal trials that I decided to figure out why I innately recoiled from pills for depression. When I did name my struggles as depression one of my first thoughts was, "Dang. Do I need to go get some pills?" That actually made me shiver. Literally. It was a creepy moment. Until I said, "okay. No pills." and felt relieved.
So pills were definitely not the right choice for me. But why?
It wasn't until I concluded that depression was a fight against temptation that I figured it out, and there's lots of different aspects of my disdain for such meds. Here they are:
My emotions are MINE; one of the few things I can exercise control over. I can't balance out a God that would give me agency to choose my own way and a God who wouldn't give me a way out of struggles I found myself in unless I purchased medicine.
I tried before to take control of my internal chemicals. Birth control messed me up in multiple ways. Never again will I subject my body to externally-controlled chemical levels unless absolutely necessary (e.g. should I suddenly find myself without ovaries).
I shouldn't be able to take a pill for temptation. That's cheating.
And lastly, here's an idea I take from a discussion on this subject with someone I love and respect who didn't know about the extent of my personal struggles. Honestly, what's the difference between popping a pill for depression and having a glass of wine? Dulling my senses, taking the edge off, or helping myself relax with such assistance would not be a good idea.
Oddly enough, the decision to not take medication has added a new struggle (while also empowering me with the confidence to really fight back against these temptations). Before I put my opinions on depression meds in concrete, I didn't care one way or the other what other people did. Now? Now I get angry when I think of other people taking them, or worse find out someone I know takes them.
I feel like they're taking the easy way through what I have had to fight tooth and nail for and my pride wants other people to recognize how hard this is and that the fix isn't simply taking a pill. At the same time I feel sad because they're probably just making the process that much harder on themselves because they're not finding a real solution.
I also try to remember that in today's society, the way to fix depression is to take a pill. Most people accept that at face value. Many of them don't like it, but they don't think there's another way.
So I can't make assumptions or be upset at other people who take depression meds. Unless of course they call me a jerk and spit in my face and tell me that my conclusions are idiotic, then I might be upset for real. Yet another personal problem I have to work on.
There you have it. My thoughts on depression pills. What do you think? Agree or disagree? Anything to add that it looks like I haven't considered?
I always get a sour taste in my mouth when I hear about depression medication. For a long time, I didn't know why. The fact that people take medicine for such things just rubbed me the wrong way. Disclaimer: That doesn't mean I harshly judged those who did take such things. It merely made me cringe a bit and that was the extent of it.
It wasn't until last year when I put a name to specific personal trials that I decided to figure out why I innately recoiled from pills for depression. When I did name my struggles as depression one of my first thoughts was, "Dang. Do I need to go get some pills?" That actually made me shiver. Literally. It was a creepy moment. Until I said, "okay. No pills." and felt relieved.
So pills were definitely not the right choice for me. But why?
It wasn't until I concluded that depression was a fight against temptation that I figured it out, and there's lots of different aspects of my disdain for such meds. Here they are:
My emotions are MINE; one of the few things I can exercise control over. I can't balance out a God that would give me agency to choose my own way and a God who wouldn't give me a way out of struggles I found myself in unless I purchased medicine.
I tried before to take control of my internal chemicals. Birth control messed me up in multiple ways. Never again will I subject my body to externally-controlled chemical levels unless absolutely necessary (e.g. should I suddenly find myself without ovaries).
I shouldn't be able to take a pill for temptation. That's cheating.
And lastly, here's an idea I take from a discussion on this subject with someone I love and respect who didn't know about the extent of my personal struggles. Honestly, what's the difference between popping a pill for depression and having a glass of wine? Dulling my senses, taking the edge off, or helping myself relax with such assistance would not be a good idea.
Oddly enough, the decision to not take medication has added a new struggle (while also empowering me with the confidence to really fight back against these temptations). Before I put my opinions on depression meds in concrete, I didn't care one way or the other what other people did. Now? Now I get angry when I think of other people taking them, or worse find out someone I know takes them.
I feel like they're taking the easy way through what I have had to fight tooth and nail for and my pride wants other people to recognize how hard this is and that the fix isn't simply taking a pill. At the same time I feel sad because they're probably just making the process that much harder on themselves because they're not finding a real solution.
I also try to remember that in today's society, the way to fix depression is to take a pill. Most people accept that at face value. Many of them don't like it, but they don't think there's another way.
So I can't make assumptions or be upset at other people who take depression meds. Unless of course they call me a jerk and spit in my face and tell me that my conclusions are idiotic, then I might be upset for real. Yet another personal problem I have to work on.
There you have it. My thoughts on depression pills. What do you think? Agree or disagree? Anything to add that it looks like I haven't considered?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Symptomatic
I feel like there's a misunderstanding on what people go through when experiencing depression. I'd like to clear it up a little bit.
It's not just being sad.
In fact, sadness is often not part of the equation at all. The symptoms are across the board and often combine in discouraging ways.
Defined by the book, depression is sadness and inactivity. It gets so much deeper than that, though.
It's wishing all day to be in bed and sleeping, then not being able to get to sleep at night.
It's shoulder-crushing feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and complete inadequacy when facing one's responsibilities.
It's ridiculously irrational irritation at everything and everyone.
It's annoying headaches.
It's feeling completely numb. Not physically, and not I'm-doing-busywork-homework-and-not-engaging-my-brain-or-emotions numb, but feeling nothing/thinking nothing numb. That one is quite unnerving.
And the biggest one, in my opinion- It's finding one's ability to think and process gone, gone, gone. "Pregnancy brain" on steriods is the best way I can think to describe it. The mind is a jumbled mess of millions of random thoughts suffocating the one that you're trying desperately to hold onto. Decision making, conversations, reading, and even praying all become tremendously difficult and all but impossible. Very faith shaking.
It's a field day for that Satan punk. But I'll get in to that a different day. For now, I just wanted to clarify that depression isn't just being sad. And I mostly wanted to do that for fear of appearing weak to those who think it is just being sad. I am not weak. Neither is anyone else who experiences these things. Temptations don't mean a person is weak.
And speaking of temptation, I want to add something to supplement a previous post. It’s okay to get discouraged, to be sad. Going through life thinking every bad emotion is a sin will drive a person crazy. It’s the wallowing in it that is not okay. It’s the continually giving in or the refusing to come out that is not okay.
To close out this post, here's a scripture I've come to love-
It's not just being sad.
In fact, sadness is often not part of the equation at all. The symptoms are across the board and often combine in discouraging ways.
Defined by the book, depression is sadness and inactivity. It gets so much deeper than that, though.
It's wishing all day to be in bed and sleeping, then not being able to get to sleep at night.
It's shoulder-crushing feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and complete inadequacy when facing one's responsibilities.
It's ridiculously irrational irritation at everything and everyone.
It's annoying headaches.
It's feeling completely numb. Not physically, and not I'm-doing-busywork-homework-and-not-engaging-my-brain-or-emotions numb, but feeling nothing/thinking nothing numb. That one is quite unnerving.
And the biggest one, in my opinion- It's finding one's ability to think and process gone, gone, gone. "Pregnancy brain" on steriods is the best way I can think to describe it. The mind is a jumbled mess of millions of random thoughts suffocating the one that you're trying desperately to hold onto. Decision making, conversations, reading, and even praying all become tremendously difficult and all but impossible. Very faith shaking.
It's a field day for that Satan punk. But I'll get in to that a different day. For now, I just wanted to clarify that depression isn't just being sad. And I mostly wanted to do that for fear of appearing weak to those who think it is just being sad. I am not weak. Neither is anyone else who experiences these things. Temptations don't mean a person is weak.
And speaking of temptation, I want to add something to supplement a previous post. It’s okay to get discouraged, to be sad. Going through life thinking every bad emotion is a sin will drive a person crazy. It’s the wallowing in it that is not okay. It’s the continually giving in or the refusing to come out that is not okay.
To close out this post, here's a scripture I've come to love-
Doctrine and Covenants 112:13 And after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Where to start...
Since opening the depression door yesterday, my mind has been flooded with ideas on what to share. I'm not sure which direction to go, though.
I hesitate to share what it's actually like to be severely depressed. At this point, I doubt it will ever stop feeling so raw to reflect on the worst aspects of it. And at the same time, the not-so-hardcore depression junk is difficult to write about, too. How to put these things into words...
Do I put my opinions on depression medication out there and risk being reviled (because I know it could hurt more than a few feelings no matter how delicately I try to handle it)?
Do I give tips on how to claw one's way out of the pit of despair?
............
I think I'm just going to share what I think depression is, in its most basic form. That will probably make any future posts more understandable. And I hope you'll bear with me and leave off all scoffing until you've at least read the whole thing.
I believe that depression is rooted in temptation. Temptation to be depressed, that is. And that being depressed is the result of giving in to that temptation.
I will say that I don't think that's the case for every single type of depression. However, based on my experiences and observations, I do think temptation is generally the case.
Those of you who have suffered through depression will understand how absurd that sounds. After all, if it were a temptation, wouldn't I be able to just turn around and metaphorically walk away from it? Wouldn't I be given a choice to "just say no" instead of suddenly finding myself over my head in it and all spiritual helps mysteriously unavailable to me?
Well...no.
Apparently, some temptations are different from the run of the mill I-am-tempted-to-slap-you-but-I-won't temptations.
There are lots of temptations like this. And most people will have to struggle with at least one of them. One of the strangest things that has come out of my personal journey is sympathy for people who suffer from same-sex attraction. They feel like that attraction is hard-wired in them; something they couldn't change if their life depended on it. I've thought it is like being a quadriplegic surrounded by 100 ft. steel walls and being told you have to climb out or you're a bad person. Same with depression. But I know that both can be overcome.
I am one who underestimated the power of depression to lock a person up in it. But my reflections and studies have led me to believe that not doing everything I can to escape the trap of depression is succumbing to temptation.
After all, "Men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25
I think the best way to summarize this will be to share what has been at the top of my favorite scriptures list since June. I read this a month or so after I diagnosed myself and was quite shocked to find such an applicable record in the scriptures that I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't just making it up.
It would seem that totally amazing Nephi, the Book of Mormon era prophet, knows what it's like to smacked with depression.
And right there in the scriptures is something to remind where my perspective should be. (Though having a reminder and actually being successful in returning to proper perspective are very different things!)
2 Nephi 2:20-29
What do you think? Good place to start? Agree or disagree with my conclusions? Anything you'd like me to get into next or shall I just continue to fly by the seat of my pants?
I hesitate to share what it's actually like to be severely depressed. At this point, I doubt it will ever stop feeling so raw to reflect on the worst aspects of it. And at the same time, the not-so-hardcore depression junk is difficult to write about, too. How to put these things into words...
Do I put my opinions on depression medication out there and risk being reviled (because I know it could hurt more than a few feelings no matter how delicately I try to handle it)?
Do I give tips on how to claw one's way out of the pit of despair?
............
I think I'm just going to share what I think depression is, in its most basic form. That will probably make any future posts more understandable. And I hope you'll bear with me and leave off all scoffing until you've at least read the whole thing.
I believe that depression is rooted in temptation. Temptation to be depressed, that is. And that being depressed is the result of giving in to that temptation.
I will say that I don't think that's the case for every single type of depression. However, based on my experiences and observations, I do think temptation is generally the case.
Those of you who have suffered through depression will understand how absurd that sounds. After all, if it were a temptation, wouldn't I be able to just turn around and metaphorically walk away from it? Wouldn't I be given a choice to "just say no" instead of suddenly finding myself over my head in it and all spiritual helps mysteriously unavailable to me?
Well...no.
Apparently, some temptations are different from the run of the mill I-am-tempted-to-slap-you-but-I-won't temptations.
There are lots of temptations like this. And most people will have to struggle with at least one of them. One of the strangest things that has come out of my personal journey is sympathy for people who suffer from same-sex attraction. They feel like that attraction is hard-wired in them; something they couldn't change if their life depended on it. I've thought it is like being a quadriplegic surrounded by 100 ft. steel walls and being told you have to climb out or you're a bad person. Same with depression. But I know that both can be overcome.
I am one who underestimated the power of depression to lock a person up in it. But my reflections and studies have led me to believe that not doing everything I can to escape the trap of depression is succumbing to temptation.
After all, "Men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25
I think the best way to summarize this will be to share what has been at the top of my favorite scriptures list since June. I read this a month or so after I diagnosed myself and was quite shocked to find such an applicable record in the scriptures that I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't just making it up.
It would seem that totally amazing Nephi, the Book of Mormon era prophet, knows what it's like to smacked with depression.
17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
Right there in the scriptures is depression in a nutshell!And right there in the scriptures is something to remind where my perspective should be. (Though having a reminder and actually being successful in returning to proper perspective are very different things!)
2 Nephi 2:20-29
20 My God hath been my support ; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations [See?!? Nephi says it, too:)], that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
And then to finish off the chapter, Nephi gives us this beautiful prayer.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
What do you think? Good place to start? Agree or disagree with my conclusions? Anything you'd like me to get into next or shall I just continue to fly by the seat of my pants?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Deep-ression
I've been hearing a lot about depression lately. I've been reading about it in blogs. I've been hearing about it at church and among friends. I've actually been hearing and reading a lot of stuff that I don't agree with.
When did the word depression start being defined as a disease and no longer an emotion???
Up until a few years ago, I thought clinical depression was a load of hooey. "Buck up," I thought.
And now, a confession: I have struggled with depression, in varying degrees, for the last six+ years, not knowing it until this last spring.
You know the saying, “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes” (or something like that…)
Yep. I’ve definitely learned- Judge not lest the Lord seeth fit to make you wear the same pair of shoes.
Any of you who have known me longer than six years may be shocked. Lindsey. Winner of numerous happiest teammate/cast member/camper/etc. awards. Who was often complimented for a contagious smile. Lindsey and depression don’t go in the same sentence. I wish that were still so. But I’m closer to not having my name associated with depression than I’ve been in years. There is hope!
I’ve only come to realize in the last year that my struggles could be defined as depression. The thought crossed my mind many a time over the years, but I always thought, “Noooo. If people are taking medication for it depression must be much worse than what I’m experiencing.”
And then I ran across a couple of blog posts by a couple of women who are taking “happy pills.” The symptoms they shared seemed mild based on what I was experiencing. I was shocked.
So I researched symptoms of depression and matched every one. Then, after seeing the term “severe depression” all the time in my search, I looked up symptoms for that, too and was stunned to find that I had experienced every symptom except for suicidal thoughts…although I’m sure certain thoughts that have run through my head could be related to that.
Yes. I did self diagnose on this. But I'm confident that if I went to the doctor and told him half of what I've experienced I'd have the pills in my hand before I left his office. One, because I know it's depression and two, because I know doctors are over-medicating for depression; at least in this country.
This discovery and self diagnosis has had quite the good effect, though. It has facilitated more progress against it than I had been making flying blind.
Since the spring, I have gone back and forth about blogging about this. I've always concluded that my motives were prideful so I should just keep what I've experienced and what I've learned to myself. But I keep coming across things being shared about depression that I don't believe are true. There is some good stuff being shared. But most of what I read and hear isn't so great.
And so I kept coming back to whether or not I should toss my two cents out into the world. And today I got the impression that I should share. "But what about my pride issues?" "Well, be prayerful about what you share. But share. There's a lot you know that could help someone else." Oh.
I'm not sure how to go about this. There's too much to just lay out in one mammoth blog post. I don't want to commit myself to blogging regularly about it. And I worry that if I blog based on reactions from what I read and hear that things won't be shared in the right spirit...
All I know is that I'm writing this post and opening the door to write more. Perhaps the path will become clearer tomorrow, or next week. Or perhaps it will always remain fuzzy beyond each post I share.
So...I suppose you can ask questions if you're curious. That might help me know which direction to take this. Know that my answers will be either generalized or personal; I do not pretend to be an expert. I just know I have a fairly unique perspective to share.
I guess that's it for now. Consider the door open.
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