Thursday, August 30, 2012


Today I am thankful it's Thursday and not Monday, but especially that it's not Monday morning when I have to drag myself out of bed before anyone else does and realize I have five days of that to "look forward" to.  Mornings and I are not friends.  Strike that, waking up and getting out of bed before 8 am and I are not friends.  I actually love mornings once I wake up.

Today I am thankful that Blogger changed it's photo upload...stuff/capabilities/process/whatever you call it.  They probably did this awhile ago, but I haven't tried it in months because it's always been an insansely frustrating and involved process.  I finally "caught up" on posting on the family blog.  Now that it's easier to get pictures on my posts, I figure I'll start blogging regularly again...or at least more than once every two or three months:)  Now if only Blogger could make uploading videos easier...(or even possible! I've tried three times to get a video on there in the past two days and it won't go past the "uploading...please wait" point.)

Today I am thankful for funny boys and listening to them cracking each other up in the next room.

Today I am thankful for curtains.

Today I am thankful for flip-flops, washing machines, sunshine, marshmallows, up-coming date nights and holiday weekends, lotion, and the anticipation of my favorite season of the year coming in the next month:):):)

What are you thankful for today??

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Proof vs. Doubt

Here's a post mostly for my own sake, but also for anyone curious about the kinds of things that go through my head.

I've been anxious about how many babies I'm carrying this time.  My intuition has told me from the beginning that there's just one baby in there.

But there's been a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I just can't seem to silence.  And so I continue to look for proof to settle my nerves...and all proof has fallen short of being positive.

Proof #1
My heart tells me there's just one.

Doubt #1
I've had two in there before; it's not impossible for it to happen again.

Proof #2
One of the first things my doctor said to me at my first prenatal appointment was a quip about perhaps this time was twins again.

To which I replied, "I was kinda hoping you'd tell me there's just one in there."

To which my husband replied, "Actually we were hoping you would tell us it's triplets."

To which I replied with a swift punch on the shoulder.

Doctor rolled in his little sonogram machine and at the end of our little viewing he said, "Well, I've looked around in there long enough to be sure there's only one."

Doubt #2
Of course the reason he looked around so long was because someone had fiddled with the settings on this machine that 3 doctors share and he was having trouble getting a good picture...
I was only 8-9 weeks along at the time and the little baby was just a fuzzy peanut shaped blob on the screen.  What if his poor picture missed another one...

Proof #3
Doctor only hears one heartbeat at regular check ups.  And instead of expanding outward, my uterus hot shot right up into my abdomen where everything is nice and roomy; lots of space for a little one to float freely and easily.

Doubt #3
I'll feel movement at the top corner of my belly and then the opposite bottom corner in the next moment.  And I've been showing since around 6 weeks.

Proof #4
19 week ultrasound shows one lovely little babe growing just right.

Doubt #4
I have a friend who is pregnant with twins and they didn't find out until after their 20 week ultrasound was completed-finished-over-done and the tech asked if they wanted to see a little more of the baby.  They did, and suddenly the tech spots a twin!...

The proof is much stronger than the doubt.  But just to give myself a little more help conquering the doubt, I decided to take a picture to compare pregnant belly sizes.
Whew!  I for one feel better!

My tummy is obviously not as big as it was with twins, even though my poor stomach muscles that were unwillingly parted from one another have made it appear that I'm farther along than I actually am.

One baby.

My baby.

How sweet it is:)

P.S. That doesn't mean being pregnant with and having twins isn't sweet.  Having survived the newborn twin stage once, this girl is looking forward to the experience of just one this time around.


Thursday has come again.

All too fast.

I'm thankful Jonz is in school this year.  Among other blessings, it's making the weeks of pregnancy seem to go by fairly quickly.  Still, there are moments when I miss my son and the little boy he once was. 

They really do grow up fast.

Which brings me to my topic for Thankful Thursday.

My boys have colds.  Not too long ago, colds were a death sentence for routine around here.  It meant hours and hours spent on the couch or rocking chair (not that I didn't enjoy the snuggles, but the rest of life went to pot on those days/weeks), it meant sleepless nights for everyone, and it meant the inevitable ear infection(s) and/or sinus infection, trips to Urgentcare then the pharmacy (nooooooooo!) with cranky kids in car seats.  It meant my heart breaking at every sniffle, every cough, every whimper, every toss and turn of sick and uncomfortable babies or toddlers trying to sleep, etc.  It meant asthma woes.  Nebulizers, inhalers, saline, and oh the coughing morning, midday, evening, and allllllll throught the night.

Now?  A cold is just a cold.  The couch, a blanket, and a movie is more desirable that cuddles with Mom (sad.).  They snore like old men at night, but they sleep pretty well for having stuffed sinuses.  I won't say anything about ear or sinus infections for fear of inciting the humorous ways of the virus gods.  I still hate the symphony of sniffs and coughs, but as it doesn't make my boys as miserable as it used to I'm much less bothered by it.  And we're finally to a point where, for now, the asthma is fairly well controlled.

Colds are much less debilitating with these growing guys.  And for that I am extremely grateful.

Now.  If only I could get them to blow their noses instead of sniffing...

What are you thankful for today?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What I wish I'd known as a first time mom

Alternately titled: What I hope to remember this time around.

There will be a moment (and similar ones to follow) when you look at your newborn and are suddenly struck with the magnitude of your new, massive, overwhelming, and incomprehensible responsibility.  It will feel like, " have I done?..."

This does not mean you don't love your baby, nor that you wouldn't do anything for him.  It is merely a manifestation of the massive change in your life and the beginning of you truly understanding your new life as a mother to this child.  Way to be realistic!:)
*also, your normally-stable-husband will probably have this moment, too. 
Don't let this freak you out. You guys can do this!

Breastfeeding does not come naturally.  And it hurts.  And you'll feel like you need ten hands.

Keep going.  Keep trying new techniques, positions, pillows, etc.  You'll get used to it.  Your baby will get used to it.  Your body will get used to it.  Read a good book about it before you're in the trenches of it.  And trust your intuition- not the impatient and haughty lactation consultant.

Nurses, ob/gyns, pediatricians, anesthesiologists, specialists, etc. all have more experience in this than you do.  However, they are not you and they are not the mother of your child. 

Speak up.  Politely gets more results, but speak up.  You are in charge, not them.  Ask for explanation on everything you aren't convinced about.  Be a squeaky wheel.  Don't be afraid of the hassle of switching doctors.  There are plenty of good and kind professionals out there; it may be hard to find them, but very worth the effort.

There is a whole new level of exhaustion that you have not experienced yet, but will become quite familiar with.

20 minute chunks of sleep a few times a night is normal.  Your body learns to function and eventually you'll trick yourself into thinking you're not that tired...but don't drive for a couple weeks and don't be shocked when you find you put your lost brush under the kitchen sink.

Cliche as it sounds, there will be times when you can't recognize yourself at all and wonder where and when the real you got lost. 

You're still there.  Don't worry:)  You're just temporarily drowned in the exhaustion.  And hey, you can't come out of this without changing.  This little soul will teach you many a life-changing lesson.

Baby blues.  You've heard about them.  Don't be surprised when they show up.

I'd heard about it, read about it, and the nurses in the hospital even talked to me about it before I took my baby home.  But I still didn't recognize that I was experiencing it until my firstborn's six week pediatrician check up when the doctor asked me, "So how are the baby blues treating you?"  Oh THAT'S what that was!  I thought I was just crazy.
You're not crazy.  You're just riding the crazy hormonal roller coaster.  It will let you off eventually!

Your baby will cry.  And though you try everything you can think of- sometimes, the crying will not stop.  That moment when you realize you don't have a magic motherly touch to console your child is rough.

This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you're a horrible mother.  Be patient.  They may find the energy to cry for hours on end, but it won't last forever.  Promise.

There's a lot of hyped up, but unnecessary baby items that you'll find on lists of must-haves for your baby and nursery. 

Don't "buy" into it.  Aha! Aha!  What wit;)

You've heard about the instant bond and intense love felt when a mother first holds her new baby...might not happen for you.

I haven't bonded instantly with my children.  On some level, I loved them dearly.  I ached for their pain and confusion when they cried.  I longed to provide comfort for them.  But I couldn't say 'I love you' for a week or so and I felt like I was looking at a stranger when I looked in their eyes.  I found that unnerving the first time around.  What kind of mother was I if I couldn't say 'I love you' to my baby?!?!  Once again, don't worry if this happens- you will bond.  Seven plus years into motherhood and my boys are my heart and soul and it feels like it's always been this way. 

Preeclampsia can happen after you've given birth.  And it hurts.

There will likely be a handful of medical suprises.  Don't let doctors or nurses get away with a, "don't worry this happens all the time."  Keep asking questions until you understand.  And get your husband in on as many of these conversations as possible since you may be quite out of it and will need help remembering what your supposed to do and why.

Your baby will grow up way too fast.  Try to enjoy the moments of each stage, even though there's a lot you'd rather speed through.

I remember looking at my two week old one morning and being shocked as I realized how changed he was from when he was first home.  And I was even more shocked at how sad I was about having a stage behind us already.  It can be very hard to get used to each other and even harder to remember you'll miss this when you're out of bed at 3 am trying to feed a squirmy baby who can't figure out how to latch on right and is making nerve-grating noises that make you want to scream right back.  But don't let those times keep you from remembering to enjoy the perfect softness of your baby, their fuzzy face, their cute noises, their laughs (yes they laugh and have real smiles before six weeks that are not caused by gas!  My four day old laughed from the gut in his sleep and I'll cherish that moment forever even though at the time it freaked me out because I'd been asleep too and holding him on the couch and about dropped him when he startled me awake with that laugh:)), their sleepy eyes, their floppy body, and general amazingness.

That's all I've got to say about that.

And you?  What do you think should be added to the list?

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I'm thankful

Really I am.

But right now, all I can think about is sleep.

I'm tired.

I wish it was bedtime.

Not because my boys are pushing for it, but because I want to go to bed without fear of someone getting hurt because mom wasn't around to keep everyone safe.

I'm tiiiiiiiired!

And so, I'm thankful for beds, pillows, ceiling fans, bedtime in threeish hours, that Bret doesn't have to work late, and that my boys sleep through the night more often than not.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, August 9, 2012


Few things give me a big ol' surge of gratitude like seeing a bunch of blankety-blank in the world.

Speeding, weaving driver coming all too close to hitting my car?  Boy am I thankful I've never been slammed into; especially with my kids in he car.

Blazingly hot summer day?  Ahhhhhhhh, air conditioning.

Someone is setting off fireworks loud enough and strong enough to shake my windows at 11 pm?  I am so lucky I don't live in a war zone.
Hearing/reading a story of husbands and wives in the range from not helping each other at all to abuse?  I loooooooooooooooooooove my husband!!!!!

My neighborhood smells like marijuana?  I'm so glad I've never lived with any drug addicts or alcoholics.

Stupidity that makes me want to hit my head against a wall?  I am beyond thankful that I don't have to deal with stupidity on a regular basis.

I live such an idyllic life and I am thankful for it.

AND!  I got to meet my four-almost-five month old niece on Monday.  Sweet as can be! 

There was a moment involved in that night, too.  The boys and I were the last ones to arrive and met Bret there from work.  I walked in and he was holding her and chatting with my brother.  The sweetness and the hotness of such a sight 'bout did me in:)  I am very excited to be carrying our baby and very much looking forward to seeing my amazing husband holding our own little one again.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Story time

Today I am thankful to finally tell a bit of a story.

A story that spans more than four years.

It started when Al and Goose were just a few days old.  I remember sitting in the rocking chair and telling God, "That's it.  I'm done.  I'm never doing this again.  I can't do it now, no way I'm going to do it again.  I don't care what you say, we are never having any more babies."

In the coming months as I matured, survived, learned, and felt stronger, I repented of such thoughts.  And though terrified of the idea of living through another pregnancy-cesarean-newborn season, I was willing to...but only if we received a divine manifestation from heaven that that is what our family was supposed to do.  Like, angelic visits level of manifestation (okay, not that big; but something definitely stronger than the previous times).

My doctor recommended waiting "two or three years" before trying to get pregnant again to give my uterus time to heal from carrying twins and having a c-section.  I was more than willing and when two years rolled around I was determined that three was better and I'd still wait for unsollicited direction from God.  Three years came and went and I began to wonder if I was being selfish and untrusting.  I waffled for a few months before finally asking Heavenly Father for the courage to ask what the future was for our family.  Because honestly, I didn't want to hear either answer.  I was scared at the prospect of having more children and I was sad about the possibility that we were done.

It took a long time to build up the courage to ask that question, but as the months went by with no answer I became frustrated.  I just needed to know one way or the other. 

For some reason, we weren't ready for an answer.  It wasn't until we took a leap of faith and turned down a job offer that Bret received the guidance we were rarely asking for anymore.

Bret.  The one who said he'd never ever be ready again and just to tell him when I had an answer.  That guy.  The answer came to him. (I'm not jealous...;))

Bret had called me earlier in the day to tell me that the job had indeed been offered and he had turned it down like we'd concluded to the previous evening.  It wasn't easy, but I was proud of him.

I was super confused when he called me that afternoon and told me with a bit of surprise in his voice that we needed to go to the temple.  That night.  I was thinking that he'd gotten a call back asking him to reconsider a better offer and now he was unsure of the answer he'd gotten the night before.  As I stuttered questions trying to clarify what was going on he shocked the heck outta me by saying he'd been weight lifting on his lunch break when he'd been prompted that it was time for us to move forward.

That's when I had to sit down. 

For having prayed for an answer for a long time, we were both pretty shocked to be faced with an answer.

A few small miracles led to us being able to get to the temple that night.  It was a beautiful experience that I'm keeping close to the heart.

That was back in the beginning of February of this year.  It's now the beginning of August.  And here's where we are now:

"Yes sir, that's my baby."

Half way there to meeting the newest member of our family:)

There's much more I want to share, but I'll end this mammoth post by saying I'm thankful for life, for forgiveness, for temples, for faith, for my boys, for this new baby, for family, for prayer, for a patient Father in heaven, and for my wonderful husband.

What are you thankful for today?