Last night my twins graduated from Kindergarten.
It was cute. It was corny. It was silly. It was drawn out. It was full of too many props. It was entertaining. It was boring. It was crowded.
I loved it.
I loved standing there, trying and failing to get a good shot of my boys distractedly or enthusiastically singing. I loved having the thought, "Those are my boys. They're growing up so fast, but they're still so young and sweet and awesome. And mine." I loved letting the ensuing feeling of gratitude sink in. Gratitude for who they are. Gratitude for what they're capable of. Gratitude for the health and protection they've been blessed with to make sure they've lived this long;) Gratitude for the hilarity that follows them constantly. Gratitude for the new ways they've opened up the world to me with their people-loving personalities.
But mostly it was gratitude for the privilege it is to be their mother. I am so lucky to be Al's mom. I am so lucky to be Goose's mom. It's a tough, draining, inspiring, entertaining, joyful, intense struggle to be their mom. But what a privilege it is. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a mother to these boys. To all my boys.
This Mother's Day time of the year, a bit more than the rest of the year ('cause let's be honest- I feel this way often), has a knack for dredging up all the ways I feel I fail as a mom. It's tough feeling like I can be this ideal in my head, but continually falling short. I sometimes feel like I should just let go of that ideal and be more "realistic." But that would only help me feel good in the meantime while keeping me from progressing and cheating my kids out of the better mom I can be. I refuse to give up on that ideal. And so the guilt continues:) But this year, I feel more hope than failure. I have a good chunk of years to look back on and see progress. I'm definitely a better mother now than I was nine years ago. Give me nine more and I might be pretty good!
Just in time for most of them to be on their way out of our nest...
For now I will concentrate on the things to love right now. Like the way Trooper says, "ooWooooow!" with enthusiasm instead of just a plain "wow." And the way Al and Goose play off each other and talk over each other when they're pretending. Their voices get steadily louder and louder until they're shouting about all the fun they're creating. It's annoying, but hilarious when I step back. And the conflict I see in Jonz when he's caught between wanting to grow up and enjoying the "little kid stuff" with his brothers.
Being a mom to these boys is wonderful and meaningful and amazing.
Happy Mother's Day!!