Monday, October 24, 2011

It happens every time.

I walk out of the shop and into the sunlight and it's all I can do to keep my shoulders from drooping.

New glasses.

When it comes to new glasses, I have a hard time not seeing the glass as half empty. Nothing says, "Man, your eyes are awful," like sharp, clear vision.

Don't get me wrong, I am super excited to have these new glasses. I've had the same ones since Jonzy was about six months old. I am very happy to have entered the world of current eye wear. They're cute, they're trendy, and I'm extremely grateful that I have these glasses to help me see.

When I was young and would get new glasses or contacts, I would always be so excited at the new details that I could see. I was always surprised at how much I hadn't realized I wasn't seeing before my newer, stronger prescription. It was fun opening that door, stepping into the sunlight, and seeing the world through new eyes (sunlight makes all the difference:)).

Then I became a teenager and it wasn't so much fun anymore. I realized that every time I went to the optometrist, I needed a stronger prescription. My eyes have been deteriorating for decades now and it's an emotional hurdle for me.

I hate not being able to see. I envy people who can. I hate not being able to read if I'm wearing contacts, so I rarely wear them. I hate that drastic blur around the edges of my glasses. I hate the headaches I get as my brain gets used to a new way of seeing, a new border around the discernible vision, and the muscles of my face adjust to the new accessory. I hate fumbling for my glasses in the dark of night when someone needs me. I hate squinting at the clock to see what time it is when I wake up in the middle of the night.

I hate knowing that I'm making a big deal out of something that is not only inconsequential, but fixable.

I'm not blind. I can see. I can behold the beauty of my surroundings that are the source of tender mercies. Well, not the source, but you know what I mean. I can see color and shape and the sparkle in my boys' eyes. We can afford to get glasses so that I can see these things more clearly. Lots of other people have broken eyes, too, so I don't have to be a social outcast;) And beyond that, I know that my eyes will be perfect one day.

I think I will always fight off some sadness and jealousy when I get a stronger prescription or when I notice the difference between my eyes and someone else's. And I will always wonder if I'm seeing the world differently than someone with normal, healthy, and strong eyes.

But it sure is nice to know that it won't always be like this. Plus, the change wasn't as drastic this time. Turns out, my eyes didn't really weaken any more so much as they changed shaped and gave me some more astigmatism. Maybe a break from the deterioration is on the horizon!

Now, I think I better go get something for this headache;)

P.S. You should hop over to We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ. There's lots of awesomeness going on with the Book of Mormon Forum this month.

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