You think you know a guy...

I was planning on culminating my posts on depression with a spiritually slammin' finish. I've decided that was a silly idea. Why go on and on and finish with the key? Why not acknowledge the key right from the off so it can be used throughout?

Well, I'm sorry I didn't do such acknowledging before. I hope I can make up for it now, but I think it's impossible to do this subject justice and I welcome any additions you have.

I'm here to tell you that without Jesus, I might as well be running myself into a brick wall over and over with my own efforts to conquer depression. This fight has taught me more about the Atonement and my Savior than anything else.

Yes, even more than motherhood.

I wondered for a long time why that was, still do in fact. Motherhood is the biggest challenge I've ever faced; one that doesn't end and I doubt I'll ever feel like a master of. I could not be the mother I am or accomplish an eighth of what I do without the support and strength and inspiration and tender mercies of Heavenly Father and Jesus.

I've felt the power of the Atonement often in my struggles with my role as a mother.

Why then has this depression junk struck more chords and helped me to understand the Atonement on a deeper spiritual plane than ever before?

Honestly...I don't know.

What I do know is that I comprehend in a whole new way that I am nothing without Christ.

That he is everything.

That he is the only way back to the Father.

That he gets me.

That he knows my mind better than I do.

That he's right there waiting to help me if only I ask (and often, even when I'm too prideful and I don't).

That he responds immediately when I ask.

That he perfectly understands my heartbreaks and joys.

And that he LOVES me!

From my earliest memories I have been taught about Jesus, what he did for me and you, how no one understands me better than him, and His life and ministry. I thought I understood. I thought I knew him. I thought we were pretty close.

But I know now that I barely know him at all. I have a feeling I've only begun to crack the shell to understanding Jesus Christ and the Atonement. Part of me is a bit terrified of that...(what else will I have to endure to find out more?) and part of me is yearning for more (Seriously? It gets even better?!?! I want that!).

So I suppose I am grateful for depression and how it made me see more clearly that there are things that can't possibly be overcome without Jesus. More things than not!

He is the way, the truth, and the light!

I've loved this scripture for at least a decade. It's come to mean even more to me in the past few years.

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.
Alma 26:12

Please, add to this. What have you learned about Jesus through your struggles? Share scriptures, hymns, thoughts, ideas- anything! I want to know what you know, too!

"Pills and bills. Pills and bills"

Two thousand points to the one who correctly names the movie the post title comes from...

I always get a sour taste in my mouth when I hear about depression medication. For a long time, I didn't know why. The fact that people take medicine for such things just rubbed me the wrong way. Disclaimer: That doesn't mean I harshly judged those who did take such things. It merely made me cringe a bit and that was the extent of it.

It wasn't until last year when I put a name to specific personal trials that I decided to figure out why I innately recoiled from pills for depression. When I did name my struggles as depression one of my first thoughts was, "Dang. Do I need to go get some pills?" That actually made me shiver. Literally. It was a creepy moment. Until I said, "okay. No pills." and felt relieved.

So pills were definitely not the right choice for me. But why?

It wasn't until I concluded that depression was a fight against temptation that I figured it out, and there's lots of different aspects of my disdain for such meds. Here they are:

My emotions are MINE; one of the few things I can exercise control over. I can't balance out a God that would give me agency to choose my own way and a God who wouldn't give me a way out of struggles I found myself in unless I purchased medicine.

I tried before to take control of my internal chemicals. Birth control messed me up in multiple ways. Never again will I subject my body to externally-controlled chemical levels unless absolutely necessary (e.g. should I suddenly find myself without ovaries).

I shouldn't be able to take a pill for temptation. That's cheating.

And lastly, here's an idea I take from a discussion on this subject with someone I love and respect who didn't know about the extent of my personal struggles. Honestly, what's the difference between popping a pill for depression and having a glass of wine? Dulling my senses, taking the edge off, or helping myself relax with such assistance would not be a good idea.

Oddly enough, the decision to not take medication has added a new struggle (while also empowering me with the confidence to really fight back against these temptations). Before I put my opinions on depression meds in concrete, I didn't care one way or the other what other people did. Now? Now I get angry when I think of other people taking them, or worse find out someone I know takes them.

I feel like they're taking the easy way through what I have had to fight tooth and nail for and my pride wants other people to recognize how hard this is and that the fix isn't simply taking a pill. At the same time I feel sad because they're probably just making the process that much harder on themselves because they're not finding a real solution.

I also try to remember that in today's society, the way to fix depression is to take a pill. Most people accept that at face value. Many of them don't like it, but they don't think there's another way.

So I can't make assumptions or be upset at other people who take depression meds. Unless of course they call me a jerk and spit in my face and tell me that my conclusions are idiotic, then I might be upset for real. Yet another personal problem I have to work on.

There you have it. My thoughts on depression pills. What do you think? Agree or disagree? Anything to add that it looks like I haven't considered?

Semper Fi

I mean, Simplify!

I got tired of the bold colors here, so I went for major simple. What do you think?

Thankful Thursday

I'm feeling kind of flighty today. I have no desire to sit in front of the computer. Flighty-ness notwithstanding, I have been thinking of lots of things I am thankful for today. Such as:

My amazing, logical, rational husband who makes me smile even when I'm not inclined to.

Freedom to play with my hair this afternoon

Showers

Inquisitive sons

Crock pot dinners

Co-Op

The opportunity to talk to women especially since I hang out with little boys all day whose favorite forms of entertainment involve choking, punching, and general inflicting of pain on their brothers (seriously, why do boys find these things so amusing; 'bout drove me bonkers today!).

Scriptures

Love songs

What are you thankful for today?

Well, that was nice!

Way back in October of 2008, I was a busy, bordering-on-crazy woman.

Sure I was before that and I still am, but I had to start this post somehow.

I had an...active three year old who was almost potty trained and 11 month old twins. Life was tiring, to say the least. I had breaks, but they were only ever at night after the boys were all asleep because the little ones were still nursing. I appreciate getting out and about whenever I can, but I prefer to do it in daylight.

So imagine my shock and delight when a woman approached me at church one Sunday and told me that she was going to come over on Tuesday and watch my boys and I was to leave and do whatever I wanted. I sputtered for a bit, wanting to accept, but feeling bad that I was getting the better end of the deal. She assured me it was no big deal, she'd bring her nine and ten year olds to help play with the boys.

I planned some errands and was super excited to be able to get three knocked off the list by myself instead of the one-at-a-time I accomplished with all the boys in tow. Tuesday arrived and so did three wonderful people. I told them I'd be back to relieve them in an hour. To which she said, "Oh no! Stay out longer than that! Stay out as long as you like." She'd even brought lunch for the boys!

Oh what a relaxing day it was! I got so much done. I even grabbed some lunch, went to a park, and ate and lay in the sunshine for a while. When I got back I got the boys settled for a nap and got some things done around the house. It was so wonderful!

And it left me with the conviction that when my kids are a bit older, I'm going to be like Donna and find a mom with little kids and make her take a long break. Regularly. It's going to be my go-to "how can I help?"

Such a simple act on her part left a major impression on me. And even though I'm not able to do the same service yet, it did give me a big shove in being more aware of what I can do to reach out and lift up others around me.

This post is part of Chocolate on my Cranium's Wordfull Wednesday.

Cha-ching!

Bret and I had a first on Saturday.

For years we've been getting these offers in the mail. You know the ones- "Happy birthday! We want to send you on a 3 day/2 night stay anywhere in the continental United States!" Right down to, "Dinner for two on us!"

We finally decided to take up an offer when a big one came a couple weeks ago. Of course we knew there would be catches. These things always come with a requirement to sit through a sales pitch of some kind. And with travel it's usually for timeshares (of which we are not fans). We assumed we'd be listening to a timeshare offer-of-a-lifetime, which we would easily say no to, then be on our merry way.

Turns out it was a vacation club once-in-a-lifetime pitch. I'm not gonna lie. It was a tempting offer. And if we were the kind of family who traveled often, we probably would have gone for it. But the one big catch, the one that hit the nail in the coffin for me, was that this really was a once in a lifetime offer. A you walk out that door and try to come back, the price goes up many thousands of dollars so it's now or never offer. And we told the guys, flat out, we're just not going to buy something before we have a few days to think about it; we never have, we never will. To which they tried to give us the whole "statistics show that if you don't sell people on this the first time, they're not going to come back so we have to get them at the first visit." And the whole time I'm thinking, "Um, they don't come back because you told them they can't." Or, "Maybe they're not coming back because when they thought about it, it really wasn't a good idea to buy...didyaevathinkathat?"

But really, it was a great deal...for people who plan to travel extensively. And I'm glad we didn't take the bait and buy in. I feel like such a responsible adult:) Plus, when our kids are older and we get the hankerin' to travel all we have to do is ask my parents or one of my brothers to go listen to the pitch and split the cost with them because the membership is transferable between family. Cha-ching!

Unless of course they change the deal ten years down the road and that's no longer available. Which leaves us no worse off because we weren't planning on traveling that much anyway. Cha-ching!

It was a very funny experience. One that wasn't on my bucket list, but should have been. It feels like a right of passage:) And now---Bret and I have a free round trip to anywhere in the lower 48! Major restrictions to be sure (3 days/2 nights- read two days in airports, one day vacation), but for the cost of a rental car and souvenirs, we can see somewhere in the US that we hadn't planned on seeing. Cha-ching!

Time to start researching where to go, but preliminaries have my mouth watering for Philadelphia or Virginia. The site seeing that could be done!

I wonder how far Mt. Vernon is from Monticello...

Thankful Thursday

Things to be thankful for today.

That's a lot of words starting with t...I wonder if I can make the things I'm thankful for today start with the letter t...

Temples. That was easy.
Bret and I got to go to the temple with some people from our ward tonight. It was spectacular, as always:)

Time. Time to work, time to rest, time to shower:)
I love the fairly flexible time my schedule has that makes life a little easier for me to handle when a wrench comes flying in.

Too-tees. Delicious too-tees.
Okay, so I had to cheat. That's supposed to be cookies. But if you pronounce it like my talented family members do when using their Donald Duck voices, it sounds like it starts with a t!
I'm going to go eat a too-tee and crash for the night!

What are you thankful for today?